It’s a hot summers day, you and your friends are in the only place you can find solace, the pool. What better way to entertain yourselves than with a game of sharks and minnows. This game is reflective of Spain vs. Portugal. Spain dominated the first half controlling possession. However, Ronaldo… I mean Portugal dominated the scoreboard.
In the first half Spain played as expected. They controlled possession with a flury of tactical passes. When they turned it over, they kept their shape so well, that they are able to be on the ball like white on rice. They represented a school of sharks trying to feed on a school of fish. The school of fish had a protector however, Megalodon. Megalodon being Cristiano Ronaldo of course. That being said the game seemingly started with a penalty kick for some odd reason. Who better to take it than Cristiano Ronaldo. He netted it past the best goalkeeper in the world, David De Gea. As good as Spain looked they had their lapses and that was one of them. Portugal did little to nothing to help Ronaldo out. It seems like Ronaldo’s Real Madrid teammates did more to help him than his fellow national team players. After the first goal Spain went back to being Spain, controlling possession and playing beautifully boring soccer. They were able to get a plethora of chances to score. They finally netted one once Diego Costa punched a Portugese defender, doing his best replication of Mike Tyson. He proceeded to show a bit of skill and put it past the keeper. Spain’s Isco went on to hit a rocket off the crossbar that had the world as well as the goal post shaking like a leaf. With Spain’s newfound possession and feeling of superiority they forgot about the greatest player in the world. Ronaldo was able to do it again. He was able to put it past the greatest goalkeeper in the world with a shot directly at him. David De Gea saw that Ronaldo was going to shoot and began to profusely sweat. To go along with the sweat you could see a little brown squirt out from his shorts as well. While preoccupied with his hygiene and bowel movements he forgot to save the ball. The ball hit off his sweaty palms, trickling past him like said bowel movements trickled out of him earlier. Ronaldo was able to end the half on top and go into halftime with a lead of 2-1.
Player of the half for Spain was definitely Iniesta. The old man was able to find his inner child and constantly be a nuisance for Spain. Whether he was manipulating the ball like a girlfriend trying to get her way, or making a calculated run. The player of the half for team Ronaldo, was fittingly enough Cristiano. He made all the right decisions and was able to score twice. The second half should be quite a doozy.
The second half started with more of the same. Spain dominated and were able to get a free kick for their hard work. They didn’t squander the opportunity. Diego Costa was able to run in the box unmarked and tap in the second goal for Spain. Moments later, all you heard was Stu Holden scream “NACHOOOO”. I was like damn, they’re probably giving away some nachos from taco bell. Then I looked up only to realize that some bum who gave up the penalty kick earlier scored a screamer. Nacho was able to strike the ball perfectly off the post and past the Portuguese keeper, who made an honest attempt at a save. The rest of the half was rather boring, as both teams looked exhausted. Like an actual Megalodon Ronaldo seemed to disappear this half. The sharks got too him and he could no longer protect the minnows from their demise. But then the unthinkable happened,. Ronaldo got a moment to hike his britches up, literally. For those of you that aren’t familiar with this he likes to show off his muscular legs by pulling his shorts up imitating chubbies. He was able to net one of the most electric free kicks I have ever seen. Just as we thought the sharks were about to kill of all of the minnows, Megalodon was able to come and save the day. What a God, he is an incredible human being. Fuck it, hot take he’s the best player in the world no doubt. Messi who? Messi has won what international trophies? The answers none. Ronaldo alpha’d his way into the hears of the world by tying one of the best teams in the world by his lonesome. He got a hat-trick that was one for the ages.
Takeaways from this game are Spain and Ronaldo are as good as we expected. Portugal can apparently rely on Ronaldo to lead them past or at least tie the greatest teams in the world. Diego Costa unexpectedly seems to be Spain’s most important player. It’s not because he’s the most talented, but because their substitutes are so good, they have multiple players that are interchangeable.
Can Portugal just dedicate their whole country to Ronaldo already. He is the greatest artist/ athlete that these eyes have ever seen. There are 11 people on the pitch at a time. For one player to stand out like that is something we should cherish.
Lead With Your Chin 